we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
