doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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