i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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