1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
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