I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
