i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
