Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
