i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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