You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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