I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
