does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
