the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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