I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
