it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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