i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
