I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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