when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
