Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
