I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
