fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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