Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
