I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
