mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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