morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
