I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
