I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
