Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
