: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
