Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
