I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just gift wrapped bread.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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