I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
third nipple confirmed
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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