yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
