Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize