im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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