Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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