I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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