Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
