My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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