I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
