Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
