party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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