go do what you do best...puke behind churches
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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