We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
