peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Randomize
