The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
