I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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