The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
