i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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