I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
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