so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Less talking, more tequila
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
