im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
