I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
