new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Are we still banned from the library?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
