11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
