The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Who died my cat blue again?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize