Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
