He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
