you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
