Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
