I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize