On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
