I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
